Thursday, March 08, 2007

lala...thinking too much.

I feel better than I have been. It sounds so very stupid, but I've always believed that I would be so much happier...or maybe not happier, that's probably part of the point, but that I would rather be annoyed/angry and be doing or saying what's right; still having my opinions, than apathetic. And until really recently, it felt like no matter what I did I was slipping into apathy, into all of these habits that I hate so much in other people...where I would have, six months or a year ago, said "dude, you're being an idiot, and this is why your opinion makes no sense" I was just biting my tongue and thinking why bother. But then I wasn't, and hey, if I'm still being sarcastic to ignorant people, then life goes on.

I finished Invisible Monsters. and it's...I dunno, kind of the same as Fight Club. I like them, yeah. The way he writes though, it's a little...nihilistic? pretentious? kind of both. Especially since he's absolutely obsessed with the idea of self-destruction as a means of...not self-improvement, wrong word I guess. Reaching nirvana? They both have a philosophy like Buddhism on steroids.

"There isn't any real you in you," she says. "Even your physical body, all your cells will be replaced within eight years."
Skin, bones, blood, and organs transplant from person to person. Even what's inside you already, the colonies of microbes and bugs that eat your food for you, without them you'd die. Nothing of you is all-the-way yours. All of you is inherited.

And there are some parts of Fight Club that I agree with wholeheartedly, and some that I'm like "c'mon, gimme a break." He does have at least one definite good point in IM though: is power the way money is power the way a loaded gun is power.

blah, blah, blah

And I just don't know what to do about next year. Because I don't know if living off campus would be too much all at once, but at the same time, I think if I had to deal with some random stranger in a room twice the size of mine, with all these restrictions on where and when I can go, where and when people can come see me, no overnight leaving or visitors, no candles or incense or anything that could POSSIBLY be construed as a weapon, and I'm just...I don't know how many pointless rules I can take, after this 12 year stint of them. I'd probably just end up breaking them on accident or not, and get kicked out, big ol waste of money there. Plus, the way it's set up, I can't just be in for the fall semester and then switch out when I have enough credits, it's an all or nothing deal. Kind of stupid IMO. Also, pricy. It'd be cheaper to live off campus. Only issue there is that I'd have to be making that money at a job, it couldn't be covered by scholarships. On the other hand, if I'm *not* staying in the dorms, probably 100% of my tuition will be covered by scholarships, with some spill-over. So now the big deal is roommmate (only one person that comes to mind, and I don't want to be like "hey Alicia so you're moving in with me right", esp. when she hasn't made up her mind already, be all peer-pressurey, haha) or studio apartment. Studio apartment could be good, except I'd get lonely probably, and I don't think it'd be fair to a pet to get one, since I'd be gone quite a bit. Unless it was something relatively small, like a ferret, or self-sufficient, like a cat.

oh well, I'll think about it in the morning. Oh yeah, and note to self: check out the Byrd scholarship again, and see about getting forms for Bright Flight.

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