Sunday, May 20, 2007

ARGH.

I got hired at Shake's. and maybe I'm just a wuss but I'm kind of dreading going back later today. Urgh. Especially since I'm going to the movies afterwards with Alicia, and I'm probably going to have to run home in between to shower or something, or else be stick all over and have major hat-hair.

What makes it worse is that I just set up an interview at Pac Sun. And, of course, I don't know if I'll get the job or not...but...a job at Pac Sun sounds a helluva lot better than food service. But I don't want to quit after only working two shifts. But but but...

blah.

so Alicia's long and rambly post got me thinking long and rambly (damn you Alicia). It's interesting how far I've come or how much I've changed since high school started. I used to be SO insecure. And since about sixth grade, there was always at least one friend in my group that wasn't really a friend. Actually, that started with LeAnn in third grade...then it was Stacia in middle school until we had that falling out, then it was LeAnn and Thia in freshman year, until we had THAT falling out, and I was so upset because I had all these classes with them and I had to ignore them and their constant snide remarks. And I had thought they were my best friends, hah. I remember Thia getting up in my face in science class and not one of my friends stuck up for me. I remember when they got over it randomly at the beginning of sophomore year and I was torn between being really really angry at them and wanting their approval again. For some unknown reason. Alex moving didn't help with me being upset during freshman year, either. Alicia was there and was really my only friend through a lot of it. At the beginning of sophomore year I started being friends with Jessica, we used to be SUCH good friends. I started being better friends with LeAnn again too...I dunno if I'll ever trust her again after all that crap she pulled, but she's grown up a lot now. Stacia too.

I remember, though this is going back and forth now, in like...seventh or eighth grade, when I realized that things I always took for granted (like, for example, equal rights for everyone, regardless of race/sex/orientation/religion etc.) were NOT something everyone believed in. I remember hearing the phrase "gay rights" and honest-to-goodness thinking it was some kind of joke because why would gay people have any less rights than the rest of us? And I ended up arguing with everyone for the rest of my career at Diamond, haha.

And sophomore and junior year are just kind of blurs. Spencer and his whiny depressiveness after we broke up, a lot of painful not-knowing-where-I-am-ness...somewhere in this I discovered the Clash, and a lot of the other music I listen to now. It sounds so so SO corny, but I can't even describe how much of an influence punk and ska music has been to me. It makes up a lot of who I am now. To know that at some point somewhere else someone had thought exactly what I was thinking and put it to music, music that anyone could play or sing along to no matter who they were or how much musical knowledge they had, music that spoke to me and said "HEY! Listen up!" and smacked me across the face with the loud anger of it all, music that was my anger at injustice, my passion (two things I feel are big important parts of me), put into form; that music gave me hope and direction and the knowledge that I wasn't the only one that felt that way, and I will never, ever forget it. Music is so important to me.

And it was in the middle of junior year that I started making/stencilling my own clothes...another thing that's so important to me for reasons I can't even put into words. I know a lot of people don't view it the same way as I do, but to me, clothes are an extension of who I am, they're the part of me that I can easily show the world, they're things that I spend hours making, art that everyone can take part in and enjoy without having to pay to see a gallery.

Summer b/t junior and senior year...ahh...a lot of restlessness, and another blow to my self-esteem at the very end of it. The next two months were just like, hit after hit to my self esteem, due to the fact that I seem to attract either commitment-phobes or people who are gay and just don't know it yet, heh. I got so annoyed I was just like, screw it. And somewhere in here, came the realization that Jessica and I weren't the friends we used to be, because she'd started changing, or maybe she hadn't and I did, but either way, it's come to the point now where I'm biting my tongue more than I'm not, and I don't think that's a healthy sign in any relationship...especially when she never bites her tongue to keep from saying rude things to me, or if she does she tells me about it later.

I think that, though a lot of me hasn't changed, I know that there are times and places to argue now, and I'm a LOT more confident than I used to be. I used to always be looking to my friends for approval and now I can honestly say if someone tells me they don't like me or what I listen to or what I'm wearing, I can shrug and say "yeah, your opinion doesn't matter to me.". Does that make me a bitch? Maybe in a society where any sign of confidence is immediately hailed as arrogance and conceit, I get comments any time body image comes up because I'm like "you know, I don't really have a problem with my body. I love the way I look and I'm happy with myself." Yeah sure, there are things that aren't perfect about me, but that's because I'm human and not some glossed-over-photoshopped picture. And I love my imperfections right up there with my perfections, wouldn't change 'em for the world.

anyways...

project graduation was fun, minus a few parts. the place we were at (Celebration Station in Tulsa) had this kind of creepy carnival-esque vibe...it probably wouldn't have been so bad in daylight, but when it was dark outside and there's this big stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling randomly, all these arcade games going off constantly in the relative silence, and these HUGE reallyfreakingcreepy animatronic stuffed animals singing...yeah, it was really easy to imagine the whole thing turning into a slasher where we got locked inside and the stuffed animals came to life and killed us all one by one after we illogically split up.

the go-kart track was LOADS of fun though. I probably spent the most time on it. I had Alicia as my passenger one round and probably scared the living crap out of her haha.

I'm so glad, though. Like...there's maybe 3-4 people that I'll really miss from Diamond. I'm sure there's more, that Ryan's yoda antics will make me miss him a bit from time to time...but really truly miss? yeah, 3-4 people. And I'm moving and I am SO excited about it!

New hair as of Wednesday night:



I love it. And I was surprised, because I was waiting on hearing lots of snide comments at school on Thursday...maybe they were just being nice since it was my last day, but I got nothing except for nice comments. Even from people who don't normally have a lot of nice things to say to me.

AND I CAN TOTALLY PUT IT IN A MOHAWK. hahaha! I did for project graduation.

The only thing is that I wish I would have had time to paint my senior tile for art. I was going to put a picture of the confederate flag and "you lost, get over it" around it. But I was too busy finishing my comic book panel sketch from Fray to rile up the hicks one last time. Oh well, my comic book panel sketch is worth it.

I was a bit irritated - went to the mall with Casey and Alicia on Thursday to try on this pair of mary-jane docs I'd been debating on buying. I finally decided I wanted them yesterday and went to buy them with some graduation money...yeaaaah, they got transferred out on Friday. So now I have to drive to Springfield to get them >_<

hrmm I think I'm out...off to work before too long, at the custard place *sigh*

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1 Comments:

Anonymous casey said...

those are the most crazy ass pants ever! :p

7:47 PM

 

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