Today was one of THOSE days. Not just those, THOSE.

First hour...wow. Just wow. I'm increasingly amazed how she's managed to keep a JOB. We're grading a quiz about the sonnet and vocab information, and one of the questions was "What is connotation?" and the next one was "What is denotation?". She says "Connotation is the emotional meaning of a word, like the n-word. But of course, it's not okay for white people to say it, however, it's okay for black people to say it." W...T...F? #1, why the HELL does a political message need injected into GRADING A PAPER? #2...no. Rappers say it. I highly doubt if you ask a random African American off the street they're going to say it's acceptable for anyone to say that word. Just like they don't agree with all the sexist crap in rap. And then she comes to denotation, which she explains as "Denotation is the factual meaning of a word - like when most people hear gay or fag, they think homosexual, but the dictionary definitions aren't that." That was another rather tasteless example(especially because saying fag is essentially the same as saying nigger, but she said fag...instead of just leaving it at gay...), but that wasn't the worst part. All of a sudden, she starts going on about how she was reading a magazine put out for the gay community(not because she wanted it for her, because she found it in her friend's car), and how they're just like the black community is(or used to be - I honestly can't remember what her exact words); they like to cry discrimination at every chance whether they're being discriminated against or not. But, in the magazine, there were ads saying "Shop here - support the community" and THAT, my friends, is apparently discrimination against straight run businesses('cause there's no such thing as straight people that aren't homophobic, mind you), so all gay people are big hypocrites.

...

W...T...F. Hate to use it twice in one post, but oh my GOD the IDIOCY astounds me. The logic...is...just wow. And there is absolutely, positively, no need at all whatsoever to bring that up, while grading a paper in a *language* class, especially when you know there is a gay student in the room.

Just...the logic. Wow. Okay, let's change the words in there, just as an example of the astounding lack of astuteness(heeh funny sounding phrase). If a person said they were reading a punk or underground music magazine, and there were ads that said "Shop here, we support underground bands/the scene/(you get the picture)"...would anyone even attempt to argue that that was discriminating against the mainstream businesses? No? That's right.

Because it's a stupid argument. A really really really stupid argument. People are naturally going to want to support a community they're part of, and thus, themselves(and/or presumably their friends)...and doing that, is called putting your money where your mouth is(so that you're not a hypocrite). To argue anything else is just pretty friggin' stupid. But that's already been covered. Aside from the stupidity of the lacking logic, ALL minorities will have some people that complain because they think they're being discriminated against all the time. It's human nature - can we say duh? However, at least in this area, I'd think a lot of the time the discrimination isn't made up, it's just something that some people would like to ignore.

So moving onwards...

Psychology was okay. Bio was...okay...ish, except the current assignment is really stupid and involves responding to an article that only considers two viewpoints(or three, I guess) - completely science-based atheist, completely literal Christian, and Christian with a belief in evolution. What is the point of doing this in a bio class? I'm confused.

Fourth hour was okay. Fifth, much less so.

That's our LA III class. Brings new meaning to the words "exercise in futility". We spent the majority of the hour learning about plaigarism(because NONE of us know what that is *eyeroll* dontcha love having a teacher who's only taught MS before...). Yesterday we read an essay(or, more accurately, excerpts from this essay) by Emerson, called 'Self Reliance'. I really liked it. Shane started going on about how it's all hooey. Today he continued the argument, and his argument was completely stupid. I don't even mean as an opinion thing. I mean like, it made NO sense within the context of the essay, had nothing to do with the essay, and was full of holes(and also circular). So I'm arguing with him, and I keep getting interrupted by people who don't even know what the hell they're talking about, or what we're arguing about, but feel like contributing on Shane's side and just interrupting me to annoy me and ruin my train of thought, and then bitch about how we're arguing, and afterwards/during about five or six of them started making fun of me because I "argue too much" or some similar crap like that.

I don't get this. I'm sooooooo sorry I actually *care* about some issues, and I'm willing to at least attempt an intelligent discussion, because I think they're fun and you learn a lot from them. I guess that's such a horrible personality trait to have. Maybe I should not care about politics or philosophy or anything outside of tv(and this was funny; because at least one of the people who were getting on my case considers themself a nonconformist). I'll work on that one, just for everyone elses' sake.

(except not)

The whole thing probably irritated me wayyyyy way more than it should have, but it was just annoying.

The rest of the day was decent. Except that somewhere in all of this I discovered that the summer program at the University of Chicago(which is, for those of you who don't know, the university I plan on attending, or at least really hope to attend), that I want to go to desperately, is probably out of my price range. It's about $4,000 to $4,500(if I'm reading it right, plus there's an optional $500 thing that I have no idea whether I'd pay for or not), and the absolute most you can get from financial aid is $1,200. That leaves me with somewhere between $2,800 and $3,300 that I need to come up with. Which will, as previously stated, probably not happen, unless I can pay it off in ridiculously small payments. I don't want to make my parents pay for all of it - I feel bad because I'm already burdening them with this and I'm not even out of college. But I just can't seem to find a job. I'm going to try harder to, though, because I want to go so bad. Maybe I'll ask the counselor for sponsorship ideas or something...doubt he'll be good for anything, but it might be worth it.

I did end up getting my checkered fabric though. Ska messenger bag, here I come! Makes me happy. Especially because my current bag has a crappy strap and is killing my back.

Speaking of ska, Jaime(sounds like hi-may), the Mexican foreign exchange student, likes ska. How cool is that? I need to remember to burn him off the Streetlight Manifesto CD and Keasbey Nights as well.

Anyways, I'm done. Nice long post. Probably going to bed soon because I've been so tired lately. I'll save the bag to make for tomorrow...there wasn't enough time tonight.

Da da da.

Kinda boring weekend, but nice boring. Lots of trips with friends.

Bleh. A certain someone(whose name starts with S and ends with pencer and description fits ex) called earlier and demanded to know why I was avoiding him. Which I'm not. I ended up yelling at him telling him he's acting immature and stupid, and that it's none of his business where I'm at(he was asking where I was at the supposed night of avoidance...) and etc.

And then he called back about 30 minutes ago and apologized. And my response was pretty much "Okay, that's nice, but I'm watching my favorite show on tv so I'll be going now".

Maybe I'm not such a good person. But really....whether it's horrible or not...I don't particularly care if I hurt his feelings. He shouldn't have pulled all that crap in the first place. Wah wah wah, everyone's life sucks, get OVER it. Drinking's sure as hell not going to help anything (depressant? heeeelloooo?).

In other news...

I wonder why I'm such an angry person. I get frustrated(or raging angry) before sad. It's weird.

It seems like all of a sudden(though it was probably more gradual, but people don't notice gradual things 'til they're already gone), I don't have any really close friends any more. I have one or two close friends, and then the rest are all just...friends. I don't have anybody I can tell absolutely everything to any more. It's kinda lonely, and I have no idea how it happened. And it's not like I can hope I meet new, like-minded people or anything. Meanwhile, I keep feeling the need to talk to someone about various things and there's noone there. Which is frustrating (see above note about not sad).

I spent five-plus hours making a purse entirely out of duct-tape and cardboard only to decide I don't like it. And it's not even finished yet(will post picture when it is). But Jessica liked it so much she'll give me moolah for it. So it's all good.

Quick post before I go shower and make myself presentable(for the aforementioned eating of salad and rolls...):

You will notice there is a "Michelle's Wishlist" link added to the links sidebar. So if you want to know what to get me for Christmas...hint hint. Or if you're just really really bored and want to see a list of some of the most random stuff around....

Feeling much better today. I had probably three times the RDA of vitamin C yesterday, some alka seltzer before bed, and 12 hours of sleep...amazing what that does for ya.

Although, I'm still feeling fed up. By various things, but one in specific at least...it seems like no matter which group of friends I'm with, in what order, I'm always the odd one out. Which is really, really, REALLY annoying to say the least. Whether it's because I'm too smart, or made to feel not smart enough, or because I'm from Diamond so I have to be talked to like I'm stupid in at least one sentence out of every ten, or some other random personality quirk, I do not like it, because, as stated, it is annoying. It's not as bad with some people as other, but it seems like it's always there. And maybe I really am just oversensitive, because I know I'm paranoid about this, but it also seems to me, maybe as a result of the being-odd-out-one, I get picked on(more often than the other members of the group). I really hope it's just that I'm oversensitive, because the other option is that my friends are all assholes and I don't think I could get myself to buy that. At any rate, the end result is that by the end of the night/excursion I'm sitting in my seat fuming and trying not to go off on anyone. So I get home in the mood to smash something(s) and scream just for the sake of venting. Not pleasant or fun, and it tends to ruin whatever fun was had.

But anyways...

Also really REALLY fed up/frustrated at school in general, but hey, been there done that for somewhere around four years now. Year and a half more won't kill me. And being patronized...gets really really old. This kind of goes with the above paragraph-long muse/rant/thing....but I am *so* sick of people talking to me like I'm stupid. I don't know, again, if I'm just being defensive, because a patronizing tone(even if slightly so) is one of the fastest things to piss me off, but it seems to be more common as of late and it makes me mad. Here's a hint: when I start chewing on my lip to keep from saying anything, do us both a favor. SHUT. UP.

ahem.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving...hardy har har, I made a funny. I'm sure I'll enjoy the rolls and salad.

We went to see Rent today. It was very good. Aside from the ending where one person near-died only to pop up thirty seconds later singing, like one of those rubber clowns you punch that comes back to whack your unsuspecting five year old face. With vocals.

Kudos to Kassie for picking it.

Actually am looking forward to shopping at all the thrift stores on the day after Thanksgiving. Yay for three dollar shirts...

I feel like crap.

C R A P.

My head feels like it's been smashed with a brick at least twice, I hurt all over for no reason, my throat hurts, I can't breathe, I keep bursting into coughing spasms.

I stayed home today. I really truly think I got as much or more sleep between six and ten A.M. as I did the rest of the night put together. Freaking kept waking up.

We were undefeated last night, whoo! I had fun, despite feeling slightly less crappy then than I do now. As can be evidenced at Alicia's blog through very unflattering photos :P

Might be going to the movies tomorrow, to see Walk the Line with Alicia and whomever else ends up going.

I'm getting fed up with lots and lots of various things, but more on that later, because I dunno how much longer I can look at this headache-inducing screen.

Yay. No school today. Fun fun fun.

Went over to Jessica's house and we sat around from about 10 to 1, watching kid's shows. Things we concluded:

a. Children's shows are disturbing.
b. Some actors(the of-age ones, fyi) on children's shows are actually decent to look at.
c. They put some weird/double entendre stuff in those shows.

After this, we watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail with Shane, Kassie, Lydia, Mike, and Showi(I *think* that's how his name is spelled...). Very amusing movie, at least when I could HEAR it over everyone else talking. (not that I'm annoyed because I was doing a lot of the talking too) I need to rent it again and watch it with nobody around. It was fun, I had a good time. Although I didn't realize I'd spent nearly eight hours there until I went outside and saw how dark it is.

We finished Schindler's List yesterday in class. I was so happy because I had got through the entire movie without crying(though it was really, really hard), but I almost lost it in the last ten minutes(spoilers ahead). When he broke down and started crying, saying he should have sold the car, or the pin, he didn't save enough people...it was hard. And it's amazing to think that it actually happened. People say the human race is bad, corrupt, etc. etc...but there are good people out there, truly good. And those people aren't saints. Schindler was an adulterer. But whatever he did, he saved 1,200 peoples' lives, at the risk of death(or worse). He got nothing about of it. He lost nearly everything(material) by doing it. Yet he did. Stories like that make me have faith in people and in a greater good.

"Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire."

I think maybe the reason some people have such a dim outlook on society and humanity is because they're looking for the saints, and saints exist in such small qualities that if you just look at those as the "good people", yes, of course you'll get a bad image. Humans are abundant, though, and that's good enough, because humans can do as much good as a saint any day.

---

I'm reading a book right now(Hardcore Zen) that I picked up because it looked interesting and it had 5-star reviews. I'm a little disappointed. It's good, yes, and has a few gems such as the following:

"You cannot possibly honor God if you can't honor every last one of God's manifestations. killing someone in God's name is ridiculous. If we do that, we are killing God and killing truth."

...but...he seems almost derisive of other viewpoints. Which is disappointing. He does address this and say that if he's coming off as though his truth is the only truth, then he's not expressing his meaning right. But, referring to all religion as a silly guy dressed up telling everyone what to believe, not only shows an extremely narrow view of religion, but also shows no respect for it. Yet he says not having respect for another's path/personal truth is bad. Hm.

I'm only in the first 20-50 pages. Maybe it'll get better.

I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. Blech. And I forgot to call the lady at B. Dalton back and ask about the interview. Too late now.

I am SOOOOOOOO TIRRRRRRRREEEEEEDDDDD. I got less than five hours of sleep last night. I'm going to bed in a lil over twenty minutes.

The book signing went very well. Lotsa lotsa books sold, lotsa cool people met, Mr. T has some pretty good looking students. Guy ones, for clarification.

So so tired.

Finally got my hair trimmed for the first time in a year and a half. Apparently my split ends were not bad at all. Go me and my taking care of hair skills.

*ends entry* rants may come tomorrow. maybe.

Blah. I have a headache. I don't know what's wrong with me today, because I've ate and ate and ate, but yeesh, I've been so hungry all day I've been having headaches and dizzy spells(bad ones). Which was not fun the hour after lunch.

I got my ACT scores back online.

Composite - 32
English - 31
Science - 33
Math - 28
Reading - 36 (whoo)

It was nice, I got to be proud of them for all of a day before people starting griping at me about how I need to take the test again. It's just so freaking annoying that I don't even get any time to think "Wow, I did a good job" before I start hearing "well there's room for improvement HERE and HERE and HERE and you could REALLY do better you know". Makes me want to scream. It seems like nothing I do is ever good enough.

Anyways...(having eaten a few slices of pizza and feeling slightly less grrr-ish)

I love autumn. I may have mention this earlier, but it can do with repeating. So nice and pretty and smelling like autumn. It's great when we get more than a week of it.

Veteran's day assembly is tomorrow. Can't wait for the sermon. Which is too bad, because it'll probably ruin an otherwise decent/good assembly.

Bleh. I have books I need to return to the library. Jessica had to work last minute. Dunno if I'll be able to get anyone to take me. I hope so, because I need to run off flyers...

Yay. Chores to do.

I just discovered that the writing part of the test doesn't affect my composite badly. YAY.

In other ramblings, I don't think people realize how much effect what they say has. Or maybe I'm just oversensitive. Either way, I think there's a difference between giving friendly advice and giving opinion harsh enough to make me feel like shit. Or implying that I'm not good enough because of the way I dress or look or something.

Also, I just don't understand war. I saw Jarhead on Friday and then we watched the war scene from Pearl Harbor today in 20th century history. I dunno. In both there were scenes where they started using racial slurs and etc., trying to inspire hate it seemed. I guess it's easier to fight an enemy if you dehumanize them first, or if you hate them, or whatever. But I still don't get it. Then there were people laughing and saying things like "Yeah, I bet they stopped thinking they were so smart when Hiroshima happened!!!!". Maybe I'm a stupid idealist, but I think there's a difference between someone attacking, however unwarranted, a military base that resulted in less than a hundred civilian deaths, and attacking cities full of civilians..."At least 120,000 people, about 95% of which were civilian, were killed outright, and around twice as many over time." Especially since it sounds like, from what I've read, the Japanese would have surrendered relatively soon anyways. So why are the bombings something to be proud of? If they did it to us, they'd be terrorists. Or dirty Japs. Or whatnot. It just seems to me that maybe "honorable fighting" might be an oxymoron and stupid, but how hard is it to just hit the people who signed up for the thing and not the people who might not even agree with what's going on?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Blah blah anti-american scum blah liberal blah naive. I know I'm a silly idealist. But I just can't help thinking.

On the topic, latest political compass scores:

Economic Left/Right: -4.13
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.82

Around Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandella, and relatively close to anarchy. Just like the last three times. Surprised?


...yeah me neither.

You Are a Punk Rocker!

When it comes to rock, you don't follow any rules You know that rocking out is all about taking down the man You've got an incredible stage presence and rock persona You scare moms, make bad girls (or boys) swoon, and live life on the edge!

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

You Are Internal - Believer - Powerful

You feel your life is controlled internally. If you want something, you make it happen. You don't wait around for things to go your way. You value your independence and don't like others to have control. You are a true believer in luck, fate, and karma. You believe that life is a game of chance - not a game of skill. You either consider yourself very unlucky or very lucky. No matter what, you don't feel like you can change the hand you were dealt. When it comes to who's in charge, it's you. Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler. You don't care much about what others think. But they better care what you think!

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Fashionista 58% Tastefulness, 65% Originality, 49% Deliberateness, 43% Sexiness

[Tasteful Original Deliberate Prissy] One is certain: you have great taste and plenty of ideas. You have clearly defined beliefs about what's good and what's bad in fashion but they are far from banal. Stylish and imaginative, you prefer to inspire admiration than to shock and you mostly succeed. Even if sometimes you'd like to have more courage to put on something absolutely outrageous you do great job in creating a unique look that others look up to. There is a possibility that you work in the fashion industry. If you don't, perhaps you should. The opposite style from yours is Bar Cruiser [Flamboyant Conventional Random Sexy]. All the categories: Fashion Enemy Bar Cruiser Kid Next Door Sex Bomb Hippie Kid Fashion Rebel Fashion Artist Catwalk God(ess) Librarian Sporty Hottie Office Master Uptown Girl/ Boy Brainy Student Movie Star Fashionista Glamorous Soul

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 45% on Tastefulness You scored higher than 90% on Originality You scored higher than 34% on Deliberateness You scored higher than 31% on Sexiness

Link: The Fashion Style Test written by mari-e on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Ugh I'm so irritated right now. I want to break a lot of breakable things. And scream extremely loudly.

We went and saw Jarhead yesterday and it was good, funny, not as stupid as I expected.

But yeah, I was out tonight with four of my friends. And maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe I just have a complex or something. But it seems like when I'm out with two of them I always end up ignored, unless a boyfriend is around. Last night it was okay, because boyfriend was around and other people were around. But today it was those two and somebody else, and it seemed like all freaking night I was either being ignored or I was the one that was getting picked on. Like, we went to Dioko's. I got up twice to get sugar. I came back to find everyone snickering and pixie-stick powder in my coffee. Both times. I drink all the coffee and there were these little plasticy bits in the bottom of it. I said something about it and everyone started snickering. But of course, I was never informed whether they were laughing because they put it in or because I worded it funny or what. And this was only halfwayish through the night. So yeah, that alone would be enough to put me in a pissy mood.

But my ex-boyfriend(who I broke up with on Monday, for various reasons you won't find out unless you have the pleasure of knowing me personally) called me at 6:30 or so. Which is okay I guess. We're on speaking terms and all. It's just really awkward on the phone. And as a friend put it, I think on the phone he just hears "blah blah blah your turn to talk". Anyways. I told him I couldn't really talk because I was out with friends and LeAnn needed to call her mom. He started rambling about how the reason I couldn't hear him was because the phone sucked and so-and-so pissed him off and something else that I couldn't hear, and I was sitting there thinking "well this is great but I just told you I really need to get off the phone", and then I did roughly thirty seconds later. And then he called back at fifteen 'til eight or so. I didn't pick up the phone, because I was still out with friends and it kind of sucks sitting in the backseat of a car trying to keep your hair from going everywhere and talking on the phone as well. Then he called again at 8:20 or thereabouts. I didn't answer. Then my mom called telling me to pick up the phone because he called the HOUSE wanting to know how late I'd be out and when he could call me at the house. And then at 10:20 some unknown number called me and I didn't pick it up, because I know it's horrible but if it was him, I wouldn't have been able to get off the phone for for-freaking-ever.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just in a pissy mood, I don't know why, I was great earlier. But URRRRRRGHHHHHHHH I WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEONE. And break things.

And break more things. And eat something.

Oh...my...god. I cannot believe what I just read.

Rape victim denied morning after pill

"After a sexual assault one recent weekend, a young Tucson woman spent three frantic days trying to obtain the drug to prevent a pregnancy, knowing that each passing day lowered the chance the drug would work. While calling dozens of Tucson pharmacies trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception, she found that most did not stock the drug. When she finally did find a pharmacy with it, she said she was told the pharmacist on duty would not dispense it because of religious and moral objections."

This is just beyond ridiculous. I would suggest that maybe the pharmacist actually find a job they can CARRY OUT. Not to mention....what kind of SICK person would deny a freaking rape victim contraceptives? "Oh, no, I can't give you contraceptives because you're a dirty woman who got yourself into that situation on your own and if YOU don't want to bear a psycho's kid, then by God, you shouldn't have gone and got yourself raped!!!!"

The whole situation is utterly ridiculous. If I got hired at Subway, but refused to serve a customer meat because it was against my moral and/or religious obligations, my happy hippy ass would be fired quicker than you can say "bible-thumper". But noooooo, in the name of whatever-they're-calling-it, please, let them deny a rape victim contraceptives. Let's make her wait a little longer. It's ridiculous when it's a normal woman is refused contraceptives(*gasp* how DARE she be impure), but someone who didn't even have a choice in the matter? What happened to compassion?

Lighter note:

You are the large, round, friendly d20! (You probably didn't know this, but the shape of the twenty-sided die is called an Icosahedron.) You are the friendly, outgoing, outspoken, leader of friends. You are often looked up to, even though you don't normally deserve it. Most other types secretly wish they were you, and you'd give them tips on how, if only you had a clue yourself. Your charisma is often all you need, but you have your occasional moments of brilliance as well--just never when it's actually needed. You are the all-around good guy, a dependable chum, a respectable foe, and an inspiration to those who need one. Who says you can't get by on a smile and good looks alone?

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Funny stuff. Bed now.